Posts Tagged ‘goals’

I’ve touched on this topic as it pertains to my weight loss before, but people have known me as a fat girl since probably 1996. I’m 26 now and that was 13 years ago, so I’ve been fat roughly half my life. I am completely qualified to talk about all things related to fat people, as I’m a highly credible source of fat facts of life. Yet some of my (always the thin who are thin without *trying* mind-you) friends feel the need to tell me that I shouldn’t worry about my weight *at all.* Sure, they’re willing to tell me how good I look by comparison to my biggest size, because I’m actually at the weight I was in my freshman year of high school. I’ve been much fatter, and so by comparison I look “thin” in their eyes. BUT, I’m still fat. And the fat I have, by the very nature of how it’s distributed on my body, is very annoying for me to deal with.

By “deal with” I’m talking about the unpleasantness associated with having fat in certain areas of your body, and how it effects your ability to live a normal life. I only have some 30-ish pounds of fat left to lose before I’m comfortable with the amount of space my posterior takes up in relation to other objects. Believe me, it’s a huge relief to have 50 lbs. of that excess gone. But 30 lbs. excess is still physically uncomfortable to lug around, especially on someone as short as I am. I’m only 5 feet tall, so I’m still rather round, especially since almost all my extra fat is on my abdomen, back, and arms now. Top-heavy hurts, especially if you have scoliosis as I do. It’s very slight scoliosis, I don’t have to wear any crazy back braces at all times (although I do use a lumbar support band when I need to lift heavy things and I have inserts for my shoes to keep me in alignment), but even 10 lbs. too much fat in the wrong place on your body, pulling down at your back, really HURTS.

I think people assume I want to lose those last 30 lbs. for vanity alone. But this is not the case. There are some grosser reasons I want the fat gone. People who’ve never had a weight problem don’t really understand how difficult it can be to live a normal, low-maintainence life as a fat person. I usually wear clothes that are flattering enough to hide the fat rolls and just kind of flow over them. I will wear a waist sincher or bodysuit if I’m really dressed up so my clothes look as good as possible, so people don’t always see the fat ROLLS and creases. They are much smaller now, some of them have dissapeared, but at 30 lbs. overweight I still have enough of them to cause me discomfort. The sweat in the summertime is gross. I feel like I have to bathe more frequently and I use baby powder to ease the discomfort of the sweating. The area between the thighs is another bone of contention for fat people. The way my fat distributes it causes a pouch of belly fat right over my “area,” which can cause uncomfortable chafing. I use baby powder to ease this, but really that’s pretty inconvenient, and I’d rather just skip that. That’s why being a normal size for my height would be such a huge relief in the way I live my life. It’s NOT just about VANITY.

But so what if some of it IS about vanity? The aesthetic I prefer is that of a lean physique when I’m talking pure, physical attraction. I am put off a little physically by overweight and obese men – and as a fat girl I would be almost expected to date a fat man. Therefore I feel I’d be a total hypocrite if I expected to have a man match that physique if I couldn’t also maintain such a physique. But the looks aspect isn’t all it is to me and my primary motivation is my health. Looking better is a part of it, but it’s not the whole thing. But dammit, if I feel good about looking better, I feel like I’ve earned that right. I feel like celebrating with a new, sexy or flirty outfit that fits my smaller body and being proud is not something I should feel shallow about doing.

But I digress…my entire point I think is that I have a few friends who have always been thin without actually working out or eating right/watching portions. Some of them eat like shit, actually, but they have that freakish metabolism that I’ve never had. Sometimes I think those friends of mine take their uber-metabolisms for granted, not really realizing that a person in my position really *is not* able to eat like that and have the physique I want (lean and muscular). I had to choose being healthy, happy, and leaner over the decadent foods in big portions. Also I don’t think those people really get how pathological and disordered my overeating was. I was good at projecting the “funny fat girl” image when really I was very depressed and fucked up inside. Essentially I was sick. But I guess some people did see me as “fat and happy.” Maybe that’s why it’s weird to them when I turn down certain foods offered to me these days, or just take a tiny bite of something decadent instead of eating the whole thing, or turn down going out drinking because I want to get up early and work out the next day. The only reason I get kind of miffled is that I get comments like, “you look fine NOW, don’t lose any more weight!” or “what you look like shouldn’t matter,” when it’s NOT ALL ABOUT MY LOOKS. IT’S ALSO ABOUT HOW I FEEL. I also have people tell me I’m not fat. I wonder if these people must think I’m stupid or blind. I’m not AS fat, but I’m still FAT. And I hate being fat. Why wouldn’t people be more happy for me? Ugh. I’ve also had a couple of people tell me that I was “being too hard on myself” for wanting to lose more weight than I already have. WTF? So does that mean I should never try too hard for anything and live an existence I feel is mediocre, just because a goal isn’t easy to obtain? Those same people would never say, “you shouldn’t try to get the best grades you can in school,” or “you shouldn’t try to get that promotion at work,” but they will say, “you shouldn’t get all the way down to a healthy weight that you’d feel really comfortable at – the bare minimum is fine!” BLAH. OK, rant over.

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So I thought about this. Once I reach my goal weight (31 more pounds to go!), I’ll have to change the name of this blog to, “Amy Lost and Won,” or something like that. Or I could just change it to a name that reflects the topics I like to focus on, which are not limited to simply weight loss or the fatness of our society. I’m not sure. I suppose I have 31 more pounds of time to think about it, though. 🙂

More people keep noticing how small I’m getting. I’m still asked the dreaded, “what have you been doing?” question, as if my answer is going to be a magic, easy solution. I’m tempted to start saying, “I’ve been doing the ‘Don’t Be A Dumbass’ diet,” just to see how people would react. I’ll have to replace the word “dumbass” with something more PC if I’m to use this response while I’m at work. It’s really liberating, though, to admit that I ate too much. People always want to tiptoe around that fact with fat people, the fact that they eat too much and usually the wrong things for a human body to be able to process.

So the economy is shit-tastic, and people are getting angrier and angrier that the things that happened to create this crisis (like huge bonuses to executives who are already sickeningly rich) are still happening. People are also going to start cutting back and being more frugal. Some people may even be eating healthier by default, and having less purchasing power they’ll be eating less. Will the one positive side effect of this horrible financial crisis be less obesity? It sucks that it has to come to this for people to stop being so fat. Actually, no, the other positive effects I hope will happen is that people will start to re-evaluate their personal ethics and values, and maybe become less greedy. The fat-cats on Wall Street will most likely remain greedy scumfucks, but the rest of us I think will hopefully learn that values like love and respect for other people trumps the desire for the newest car or the biggest house. Hopefully people will slow down and relax more with their families and have more quality time with people they love, and learn to be rich in other ways besides financially.

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Well, my gym finally re-opened, and I went and had my I.D. card made for my membership. I am officially a member now, with a shiny, plastic ID card with a silly picture of me, still wearing my coat. I look fat as hell in it because my winter coat is huge on me. But also because I’m still fat. I even quipped to the woman who made my ID that I hope I look drastically different from that ID pic later in the year. She was pretty encouraging. I told her that I’ve been exercising at home for awhile now and that I’m ready to take it to the next level.

Since it’s a college gym, and yesterday was the first day back at classes, it was pretty crowded. The gym I’m at is where there are a lot of phys. ed. classes going on, and the college does require that you take a minimum amount of phys. ed. You could tell that some of the people there really didn’t want to be there, and you could tell the ones who DID. I was one of those people. But I must admit, there were a lot of really fit and attractive people there of all ages, and it was a little intimidating. It’s easy to think while working out at home that I’m so bad-ass and getting in shape, but when you’re surrounded by muscular and hot people, it can be easy to let it play to your self-conscious side. Also, I could feel some stares. People thinking, “oh look, another New Year’s resolutioner,” those kinds of looks, but I suppose it comes with the territory. I won’t let it scare me away or stop me. I actually want to keep going and see how many people I saw today actually keep coming in regularly. I also talked with a staff person about personal training options. I have dabbled in strength training, but I want to take it to a new level and have someone with more expertise coach me. You have to pay out the ass to have multiple sessions, and I’m a quick learner so I’m thinking I could do the package where you just have 3 sessions for around $100.00, then have it all squared away and take it from there myself. The weight room was of course completely male-dominated by hulking body builder types, not a female to be seen. I’d love to break that barrier. More women need to lift weights. The guy I talked to seemed impressed that this short little fat girl was interested in becoming serious about lifting. He also commented that it was good that I’d lost as much weight as I had and noted the muscle tone in my arms. I do pushups daily which has helped, but I haven’t yet gotten serious about lifting.

I did 3 miles of running, varying the intensity from time to time a la interval training, with a bit of an incline on the treadmill. Because of the time it took to get me processed as a new member, I didn’t have as much time to work out as I would have liked before I had to shower up and get ready for work. But when I go again tomorrow I’ll have way more time. I’m pretty sore today because I admit I haven’t been working out as hard or as much over the holidays, and I got more out of shape than I thought I did. I was really feeling it, but it felt good. I love when I’m doing cardio and I finally get into what I like to call the zone (not to be confused with the high-soy Zone diet plan, yuck) where I’m really feeling it, that “runner’s high” thing, feeling my heart pumping, starting to sweat, etc.

I felt wimpy doing 3 miles on the treadmill and getting so sore from it (it was a reality check to how out of shape I let myself get, as I didn’t push myself as hard over the holidays when I worked out), but a friend of mine who works next to me and frequently comes into the store for lunch said that she was impressed by my 3 miles and that she can barely jog a block before she gets tired of it and wants to quit. So I suppose I’m not in terrible shape compared to others, but I’m also not in the BEST shape either. I chalk it up to the fact that I don’t drive right now and do a lot of walking (even when I take the bus, I have to walk to the bus stop from my house and I get off 6 blocks or so from work so’s I don’t feel completely lazy), and that I have to be in enough of decent shape to perform my physical job (lots of lifting of boxes of stuff, going up and down stairs [we have stairs in my store, yes], store stocking, running to and fro to grab things for customers, cleaning, etc.). If the weather is decent I often elect to walk home from work instead of taking the bus to avoid the crazy bus people. So I’m in way better shape than a lot of Americans, but I always want to get better. I also want to be able to run away from crazy people, and sprint to beat dwindling traffic lights when I’m crossing the street (which I can do the latter way better than the former). I also want to run a 5k later in the year. And I want to be able to lift a lot of weights and be insanely strong compared to most women. I don’t want to ever have to ask a guy to lift something for me anymore. I want to be the chick that guys at work ask to lift something for them (hahaha). I have some big fitness goals and a long way to go, but I suppose we all have to start somewhere. I’m glad to be starting young.

Tomorrow I’m going to the gym before work. I’ll have way more time to try more than just the tread. I’m thinking for the cardio I’ll do the elliptical for an hour or so since my ankles and insteps of my feet hurt pretty bad today, and I do work on my feet and would like them to be reasonably comfortable. I think I may hit the equipment room for some boxing gloves and try my hand at the giant punching bag. There was a really cute boy practicing high-kicks and punches on it yesterday, and it looked like a very gratifying exercise. I want to beat the crap out of a punching bag, too! Today I’m going to do my Abs of Steel tape. While my legs, feet, and ankles hurt pretty bad, I can at least flail about on the floor and do some toning exercises, better than nothin’. The weather here toady is pretty stinky, lots of snow. So I’ll probably have to shovel later, which will be more exercise. I also have to work today, which inevitably means exercise. Yay exercise!

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