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Posts Tagged ‘fat’

I’ve touched on this topic as it pertains to my weight loss before, but people have known me as a fat girl since probably 1996. I’m 26 now and that was 13 years ago, so I’ve been fat roughly half my life. I am completely qualified to talk about all things related to fat people, as I’m a highly credible source of fat facts of life. Yet some of my (always the thin who are thin without *trying* mind-you) friends feel the need to tell me that I shouldn’t worry about my weight *at all.* Sure, they’re willing to tell me how good I look by comparison to my biggest size, because I’m actually at the weight I was in my freshman year of high school. I’ve been much fatter, and so by comparison I look “thin” in their eyes. BUT, I’m still fat. And the fat I have, by the very nature of how it’s distributed on my body, is very annoying for me to deal with.

By “deal with” I’m talking about the unpleasantness associated with having fat in certain areas of your body, and how it effects your ability to live a normal life. I only have some 30-ish pounds of fat left to lose before I’m comfortable with the amount of space my posterior takes up in relation to other objects. Believe me, it’s a huge relief to have 50 lbs. of that excess gone. But 30 lbs. excess is still physically uncomfortable to lug around, especially on someone as short as I am. I’m only 5 feet tall, so I’m still rather round, especially since almost all my extra fat is on my abdomen, back, and arms now. Top-heavy hurts, especially if you have scoliosis as I do. It’s very slight scoliosis, I don’t have to wear any crazy back braces at all times (although I do use a lumbar support band when I need to lift heavy things and I have inserts for my shoes to keep me in alignment), but even 10 lbs. too much fat in the wrong place on your body, pulling down at your back, really HURTS.

I think people assume I want to lose those last 30 lbs. for vanity alone. But this is not the case. There are some grosser reasons I want the fat gone. People who’ve never had a weight problem don’t really understand how difficult it can be to live a normal, low-maintainence life as a fat person. I usually wear clothes that are flattering enough to hide the fat rolls and just kind of flow over them. I will wear a waist sincher or bodysuit if I’m really dressed up so my clothes look as good as possible, so people don’t always see the fat ROLLS and creases. They are much smaller now, some of them have dissapeared, but at 30 lbs. overweight I still have enough of them to cause me discomfort. The sweat in the summertime is gross. I feel like I have to bathe more frequently and I use baby powder to ease the discomfort of the sweating. The area between the thighs is another bone of contention for fat people. The way my fat distributes it causes a pouch of belly fat right over my “area,” which can cause uncomfortable chafing. I use baby powder to ease this, but really that’s pretty inconvenient, and I’d rather just skip that. That’s why being a normal size for my height would be such a huge relief in the way I live my life. It’s NOT just about VANITY.

But so what if some of it IS about vanity? The aesthetic I prefer is that of a lean physique when I’m talking pure, physical attraction. I am put off a little physically by overweight and obese men – and as a fat girl I would be almost expected to date a fat man. Therefore I feel I’d be a total hypocrite if I expected to have a man match that physique if I couldn’t also maintain such a physique. But the looks aspect isn’t all it is to me and my primary motivation is my health. Looking better is a part of it, but it’s not the whole thing. But dammit, if I feel good about looking better, I feel like I’ve earned that right. I feel like celebrating with a new, sexy or flirty outfit that fits my smaller body and being proud is not something I should feel shallow about doing.

But I digress…my entire point I think is that I have a few friends who have always been thin without actually working out or eating right/watching portions. Some of them eat like shit, actually, but they have that freakish metabolism that I’ve never had. Sometimes I think those friends of mine take their uber-metabolisms for granted, not really realizing that a person in my position really *is not* able to eat like that and have the physique I want (lean and muscular). I had to choose being healthy, happy, and leaner over the decadent foods in big portions. Also I don’t think those people really get how pathological and disordered my overeating was. I was good at projecting the “funny fat girl” image when really I was very depressed and fucked up inside. Essentially I was sick. But I guess some people did see me as “fat and happy.” Maybe that’s why it’s weird to them when I turn down certain foods offered to me these days, or just take a tiny bite of something decadent instead of eating the whole thing, or turn down going out drinking because I want to get up early and work out the next day. The only reason I get kind of miffled is that I get comments like, “you look fine NOW, don’t lose any more weight!” or “what you look like shouldn’t matter,” when it’s NOT ALL ABOUT MY LOOKS. IT’S ALSO ABOUT HOW I FEEL. I also have people tell me I’m not fat. I wonder if these people must think I’m stupid or blind. I’m not AS fat, but I’m still FAT. And I hate being fat. Why wouldn’t people be more happy for me? Ugh. I’ve also had a couple of people tell me that I was “being too hard on myself” for wanting to lose more weight than I already have. WTF? So does that mean I should never try too hard for anything and live an existence I feel is mediocre, just because a goal isn’t easy to obtain? Those same people would never say, “you shouldn’t try to get the best grades you can in school,” or “you shouldn’t try to get that promotion at work,” but they will say, “you shouldn’t get all the way down to a healthy weight that you’d feel really comfortable at – the bare minimum is fine!” BLAH. OK, rant over.

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So I thought about this. Once I reach my goal weight (31 more pounds to go!), I’ll have to change the name of this blog to, “Amy Lost and Won,” or something like that. Or I could just change it to a name that reflects the topics I like to focus on, which are not limited to simply weight loss or the fatness of our society. I’m not sure. I suppose I have 31 more pounds of time to think about it, though. 🙂

More people keep noticing how small I’m getting. I’m still asked the dreaded, “what have you been doing?” question, as if my answer is going to be a magic, easy solution. I’m tempted to start saying, “I’ve been doing the ‘Don’t Be A Dumbass’ diet,” just to see how people would react. I’ll have to replace the word “dumbass” with something more PC if I’m to use this response while I’m at work. It’s really liberating, though, to admit that I ate too much. People always want to tiptoe around that fact with fat people, the fact that they eat too much and usually the wrong things for a human body to be able to process.

So the economy is shit-tastic, and people are getting angrier and angrier that the things that happened to create this crisis (like huge bonuses to executives who are already sickeningly rich) are still happening. People are also going to start cutting back and being more frugal. Some people may even be eating healthier by default, and having less purchasing power they’ll be eating less. Will the one positive side effect of this horrible financial crisis be less obesity? It sucks that it has to come to this for people to stop being so fat. Actually, no, the other positive effects I hope will happen is that people will start to re-evaluate their personal ethics and values, and maybe become less greedy. The fat-cats on Wall Street will most likely remain greedy scumfucks, but the rest of us I think will hopefully learn that values like love and respect for other people trumps the desire for the newest car or the biggest house. Hopefully people will slow down and relax more with their families and have more quality time with people they love, and learn to be rich in other ways besides financially.

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So I went to the gym for a second time yesterday. I walked a half mile on the track to warm up, stretched, then hopped on an elliptical machine for 45 minutes. My heart rate increased tenfold, and it felt really good to get into that “zone” again. This time I had more time than I did the other day, so I went for it. I found that I liked it better when I cranked up the resistance and incline, which shows that I have some inherent muscle tone in my legs from all the walking I do, and in my arms from my daily pushups and incidental lifting at work, and that I can handle pushing myself. After my workout on the elliptical, I stretched some more and walked another half mile on the track to cool down. Then I stretched again, rinsed off in the shower, took a quick sauna, and took an actual shower after that. Then I walked to work where I purchased lunch and ate it, just in time to clock in for my shift. Again, an indication of how out of shape I’ve gotten. You have to be in decent shape to do my job well as it requires a lot of physical activity. But I realize when I was “working out” at home, I wasn’t really challenging myself the way you get challenged at the gym. And I’ve also learned that you can lose a good amount of weight and still be pretty out of shape. The gym combined with working an 8-hour shift after really kicked my ass, and my muscles are complaining today. That’s ok, though. I know it’s all a part of it. It’s a “good sore” really. I found that I felt like I had a lot of endorphins released and that I felt cheery and in a really good mood the rest of the day, despite being as tired as I was. I also found that I had a ravenous hunger and had to work really hard on my mind to resist eating more than I should. I made sure to eat quality protein to help my muscles. I’m not going in to the gym today, as work today will be particularly intense since it’s one of our more heavy delivery days and I’ll surely be running up and down the stairs with heavy boxes today. While I want to push myself, I also need to bear in mind that I need recovery time as well. I do plan on going in tomorrow early afternoon before work, though. And the pool is open for a long time on Saturday so I’m thinking a nice lap swim is in order for then. My housemate is really sick, and I feel a little sniffly, but I get exposed to everything by touching money at work, so I feel like I always get a lesser version of the bugs that everyone else gets. Call it free immunization. When I do get really sick, it’s usually always a sinus infection. From what I’ve read, it’s okay to keep doing cardio if you’re sick, as long as you aren’t running a fever and as long as the congestion is primarily in your sinuses and not in your lungs. So if you’re constantly coughing up green globs, perhaps hitting the gym isn’t the best thing to do, but if you’re sniffly, you’re okay. And I practice common courtesy when I do have something and always wash my hands and sanitize after myself to keep others from catching my yuck.

One thing that kind of sucks is that my apartment doesn’t have a bathtub, just a standing shower. I have a huge bucket that I can soak my feet in with epsom salts, but I miss my old house where I could soak my entire BODY. I’m thinking it may be time to invest in a heating pad for the rest of my muscles. I have some nice ice packs, but it’s nice to be able to ice, then heat. I have always had weak ankles and pain in those and the insteps of my feet. Running shoes are expensive, but another near-future investment will be some new shoes. This time instead of using the same pair for everything, I’ll be getting two pairs, one for working out and one for work and walking around. That way they’ll both last longer and support my body better. I also need to head for my chiropractor and get fitted for some new orthotics (mine are on their last legs, or feet as it were, and I was much fatter when I was fitted for em), but those are UBER expensive. Rent is due next paycheck, so we’ll see what happens.

My housemate and I were hanging out last night when I got home from work, watching some boob tube, and he noted my newly forming biceps and triceps. He felt my arm and went, “damn, that’s some definition there!” That was a nice compliment 🙂 Today, despite my arms being sore from the elliptical machine, I did my daily pushups anyway. It’s weird, I used to be afraid of muscle pain from working out. Now I can handle it. I think my pain threshold has increased a lot in the last 2-odd years. It’s also good motivation to know that this kind of pain isn’t forever, that this is just part of me getting used to a new routine. I know the body adjusts. In 2-weeks’ time I should be feeling tons better. I of course won’t be stupid and overdo it, but I’m going to push myself to a reasonable level.

A note about elliptical machines…a close friend of mine who has inspired me with her own fitness journey over the years told me that when she was dropping weight, the elliptical was a great tool because you can get a great cardio workout and burn a lot of calories on it. However, when she was done dropping weight and was ready to take it to a new level, she found that actual RUNNING was a whole lot harder than running on the elliptical (same goes for stationary bikes versus actual cycling). Since I want to train for a 5k this summer, this is good food for thought. But the elliptical is a good start for me, I feel, because it’ll get the job done to get me less fat. It’s a means to an end. The excess weight is a huge reason my foot and ankle pain persists, I think. Once I’m less fat, then I can most likely focus on getting used to REAL running on actual ground (much more impact on the body and takes a much more in-shape person to do).

Also, I need to learn how to manage my time at the gym so I can give myself more time to chill out, eat lunch, etc. before work and let my brain “reset.” I found yesterday that I didn’t have much time after completing my workout, sauna, and shower in time to give myself enough time to eat slowly for one (I had to wolf down my food really fast in time to clock in). I found that my mental functioning was impaired when I first started working. I was easily distracted and felt mentally “fuzzy.” This subsided after an hour or so, though. What I need to do is time it so that I can still get my hour-long session done, have that relaxing sauna and shower, and have a whole hour to devote to eating and relaxing/refreshing before heading in to work. Because of the nature of my work schedule and the hours at my gym, it makes it tricky. The cardio room and track are open from 11:30 am to 1:30 pm, and then close for classes (college gym and phys. ed. classes happen there), then reopens again after I’m already at work and closes before I get off work. It’s tricky timing since I don’t have a car and have to take the bus to get there, but I can do it! I just have to really be on top of my shit.

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There seems to be a mentality that some weight gain in life is inevitable and completely unpreventable. For instance, when we age, or when women have children, they are almost expected to get fat. The thing is, becoming fat is not essential to having a healthy pregnancy. In fact, it can put a lot of undue strain on the pregnant woman to not only be carrying a child but also the excess weight. It’s one thing to put on about 10 – 20 lbs. during your pregnancy, and then lose it after. It’s another to get so fat you can’t move, then blame it on your kid. Also, getting older doesn’t mean that you should get fat. It’s better to maintain a high level of lean muscle mass for life, which can make the aging process be less hard on you. Being healthy in general can prevent a lot of problems.

Some people wonder why one would complain of being 10, 20, or 30 lbs. overweight. Why would one complain since being just a bit overweight doesn’t make you look hugely fat? Perhaps it’s because it’s common sense to want to prevent further weight gain by “nipping it in the bud” when it’s an easier thing to manage. Think about it, if a person consistently gains 10 lbs. a year, in 10 years they will be at least 100 lbs. overweight, which is debilitating. But our culture has adopted a mentality that we should wait until a problem is debilitating and out of control before we solve it. This is why we have these TV shows on certain cable networks that show a person so fat they can’t leave their house. We have a mentality that we should wait until it gets THAT BAD before we do anything to remedy it. It’s this lack of preventative measures mentality that leads to the majority of us being unwell, unfit, and unhappy. We’re all sick, fat, and tired.

Perhaps instead of thinking, “oh, I’m only 20 lbs. overweight, I’ll just eat whatever I want, after all, getting fat is just a part of getting old,” people should instead think, “uh-oh, I’m 20 lbs. heavier than I was a year ago. I’ve been eating all the wrong stuff and sitting around when I’m not working. Perhaps I should do something about that so that in 10 years I’m not too big to leave the house.” hmmmmm….

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I told myself I’d only do a post a day, but I’ve decided to discuss something more today which has been on my mind. I notice a lot of fat people will tell thin people that they don’t need to exercise because they’re thin, that they should “eat something” because they’re so skinny. I actually feel ashamed because back in high school before I knew anything about how this thing called the human body actually works, I would say stuff like that to my thinner friends. But the thing is, most thin people do not get that way by having a “fast metabolism.” Now, my housemate really does have that kind of metabolism, as does a previously mentioned very thin friend of mine who really can’t help her fast metabolism either. But not everyone has that, and those people are not the norm. Most of us have to move enough to create a caloric deficit from the food we eat in order to maintain a good ratio of muscle to body fat, or at least move enough to “break even” with our caloric intake. The FA says “Why bother?” to this and decides that if your metabolism isn’t fast, you shouldn’t even try to be lean and muscular because you have to work too hard at it! This attitude really annoys me. So if someone who doesn’t have a fast metabolism wants to work out regularly and eat a portion-controlled and balanced diet, they have something wrong with them?

Look, I love being active. I love what working out has done for me. I get sick less often and for a lesser amount of time, I have way more energy to get everything done that I need to, I have almost no more back pain and I’ve become strong enough to lift things I couldn’t even dream of lifting a short year ago. I enjoy everything about being thinner, except for the fact that I have to drop money on new clothes every few months when I drop a size (if they were free, that would be a different story, lol!). But I have to work to maintain a thinner shape. And that’s fine. I actually enjoy intense exercise! It’s fun, it’s a great way to blow off steam and release stress, and quite frankly I think more people should do it! I love especially the fact that it’s time to myself, and I listen to music I love and get some time by myself to let my mind wander while also moving my body. I’m not talking a little walk around your block or taking the stairs instead of the elevator or playing with your cats, I’m talking intense workouts! The human body was made to be a machine, and if you put the right fuel in it (like a car) it can run so well! Oh, did I mention I sleep better? Like anyone I battle with the occasional night of restless tossing and turning, but these days I’m getting way more rest than I used to! So why should I submit to the philosophy of “my genes make me fat, so I shouldn’t even try!” when I could enjoy my high level of activity and clean, healthy diet? It feels GOOD! I will NEVER go back to being fat, because it sucks!

That brings me back to “it’s not worth the effort.” It bothers me that people think this way in general, not only about body weight, but also pretty much everything. I mean, if one is very depressed I can understand, people go through these low-points sometimes, but I would hope that the vast majority of humanity could muster the ability to take inventory of their blessings, realize it is worth it, get off their ass, and change things up for the better. But I guess I’m wrong. A common theme in my obesity was the fact that I was generally unsatisfied with life and grew apathetic. I’m so relieved that I got my head out of my ass! I saw the light at the end of the tunnel and realized that changing my life for the better in ALL ways would be the best path to take. Emotional, Mental, and yes, even PHYSICAL. It’s all important and all ties in together. Your body is your vehicle to get you around life, why wouldn’t you want to take the best, possible care of it? And why should I, as a health-conscious person, be accused of having a disorder because of it? That’s just nonsense! No, I don’t have orthorexia, damnit!

Of course, FA followers swear up and down that they do try really hard, they exercise and eat healthy, but they’re still fat! So what do I say to that? I say, to 99.9% of obese people, it is your fault. There are a rare few that have specific disorders and ailments that make it impossible to be thin. But they are so, very few of our population. It’s easy to get stuck in that cycle of denial and think you’re doing the right things, or just have a lack of knowledge about how the body works and think you’re doing the right things. I was initially guilty of that myself. I was also in intense denial of my weight gain and how bad I’d gotten. Look, practicing self-discipline and control around food does not make you a candidate for an eating disorder, and it does not mean you hate yourself or your body, and it does not make you feeding into the diet industry! Neither does working out, even pushing and challenging your body. Getting sore muscles will not kill you. Most of us sit on our ass at a desk for 8 hours a day, when our bodies are capable of such a higher output of energy, so running every day is not going to hurt anyone! In fact, it can help rid you of ills and prevent them as well! Lifting weights won’t make you look like Arnold Schwarzenegger unless you take ‘roids and spend hours a day lifting! Women who lift weights have an easier time with everything, including menstruation and childbearing. Having a body fat percentage on the lower end of the spectrum (not to the point where you’re a stick, mind you) will also help prevent a myriad of disease. Having a highly nutritious AND portion-controlled diet is the best way to fuel yourself. “Intuitive Eating” is not an entirely invalid concept, as recovering anorexics and the like can employ it for good, but for those of us without an eating disorder, it’s a recipe for a lot of weight gain. Following my “feelings” and “intuitions” I became pretty obese! Nobody’s body “needs” any kind of processed food. Whole foods are what our bodies work best on. Eating something that has more than a few ingredients in it on a regular basis is not generally good, even if your “intuition” says it’s what you “need.” Wants and needs are very different. Now, I definitely want to eat my mom’s Christmas cookies, and her version of my grandma’s persimmon pudding. And yes, I will have SOME. But it’s a rarity and a special treat (the rareness of these goodies is what makes them special). But some in the FA would say that I’m being too “strict” with myself. Well, I’m sorry people, but if I’m not a little strict and I don’t practice some restraint, I turn into fucking SHAMU. And as I’ve made it abundantly clear, being fat is not an option anymore! 🙂

Peace and love! ❤

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What to expect from this blog/disclaimers:

Two words: radical honesty. I do not beat around the bush, nor am I politically correct. I do curse sometimes, but I don’t mean it to offend people. I believe people can choose not to get offended if they dissect things logically. I am unapologetic about my opinions.

I am anti-fat. That’s right, a fattie that’s anti-fat! Some people in the Fat Acceptance blogosphere would call me Fattist. Perhaps I am, but I feel that having been fat for a third of my life has earned me the right to say whatever the hell I want about it.

I am not anti-fat PERSON, mind you. I may say things that imply that I am, but rest assured I am not. If someone really enjoys being fat and wants to stay fat, that is their right. My only stipulation is that one in that position not ask for special treatment or to be treated as a victim. I hate no one, but I do get irritated and disagree with what people say.

If you get offended by my blog, you can go find something else online to read. There are millions upon millions of blogs out there, and I’m sure you’ll be able to find one that fits your worldview and won’t offend you one little iota. I suggest you go there. There is this thing called freedom of speech, and while I still have that right I plan on using it, even if it doesn’t fit with what you believe. I will not censor people on my blog unless they’re doing things that violate the WordPress terms of service. But if you want to flame me and call me superficial for my opinions, then I will not delete those comments. It doesn’t mean I won’t rip you a new one in return (if I even FEEL like dignifying it with a response), so be prepared!

I have been fat, am still fat, and therefore I feel like I have a right to say what I please about it. I also have significantly less sympathy for fat people who choose to live a lifestyle that cultivates fatness, yet still complain about it. It’s not easy to lose weight the correct and moderate way, so I do not feel sorry for a person who says they’ve “tried everything and still can’t lose weight.” Piffle! Usually those people have tried crash diets or they’ve tried healthy living for 3 weeks and then give up once they realize it’ll take awhile.

The Fat Acceptance blogs like to claim that diets don’t work. Diets CAN and DO work, if you stick with them. But there is a HUGE difference between a diet that simply consists of a person making a lifestyle change and eating all whole foods in controlled portions while exercising, and a fad diet. Fad diets usually consist of eliminating one or more food groups and making silly food combinations. Or they are the “replace 2 of your meals with this liquid.” Of COURSE that doesn’t work, because it goes against our basic biology! Also, I do not believe that garbage about “natural set points” or being hugely obese because of “genetics” is true. To me, it’s a bunch of hooey! And that’s that. If you don’t like it, well, re-read the last few paragraphs until you have it through your skull.

And if you DO like it, then I appreciate any input you have as well. I welcome all kinds of people to read and discuss my blog. Health and fitness people, I especially value any input you may give because I’m still learning myself.

I will be posting my favorite recipes from time to time as well, and snippets of articles I find interesting, etc.

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Hello, everyone, my name is Amy. I created this blog out of a desire to both share my progress with my weight loss and fitness goals, and to rant and rave about things that piss me off in general. I have a personal blog on Livejournal that I’ve been keeping since 2003, which is more intended for those close to me to read about my life. This is more of a public blog. I will be sharing things about my personal life, of course, but I’ll be a little more guarded than I would be on my Livejournal. Furthermore, this blog will be primarily focused on fatness and the getting rid of said fatness, and also issues surrounding the problem of obesity. Since obesity has touched my life, I feel like it has a place in my life and thusly I feel I need a place to share my thoughts about it.

My history with my weight problem:

So for many years (since junior high school) on and off I’ve struggled with my weight. I feel like I’ve finally gotten to a place where it’s going to be permanent. Before, I’d lose weight really fast for an event or (shameful for me to admit) to impress someone I liked. When I was in my teens and early 20’s, I did both healthy and stupid things to lose weight. For the first six months or so of losing a major amount of weight in 2001 (end of my senior year of h.s.) I started exercising and decreasing my portion sizes and eating healthy. Then I got impatient with how long it was taking and started using those jankey gas station Stacker pills and basically speeded all the rest of the weight off. Then I met my most recent ex. We fell in love and got comfy in a steady relationship and moved in together. I was still making efforts to live healthy and had stopped taking the crazy diet pills (I also finally stopped hanging out with the friend who originally got me into the diet pills/stimulant abuse).

I’ve not really opened up about my stimulant use back in the day because I am ashamed of it. I just was too focused on the external and not enough on the internal at that time in my life. I wanted fast results and I didn’t want to be patient. I was also working a few night shifts at my old job and the stimulants helped me stay up all night and perform my job, and the side effect was weight loss. But when I look at pics of myself from that time, I looked thin, but I also had really sallow looking skin, and bags under my eyes. I didn’t look pretty then, I looked strung out. So as soon as I realized the damage I was doing, I quit those things and haven’t gone back.

When I got with my most recent ex, I was thin, but not super thin. He and I got really comfy together, especially after we started living together. He cooked yummy, but decadent food. He is the “naturally thin” type who has the freakishly fast metabolism and can eat large quantities of food without gaining. I knew what healthy food was, but I for some reason was just too distracted and ate his cooking anyway, and started matching his portions. A five foot tall woman should not be eating the same amount as a 6 foot tall man, but I digress…Over 2 years I gained all the weight back. It is not his fault, I am not blaming him. It was just nice to have an s/o cook for me, and I was in love. I didn’t want to turn away his tasty food. It was my fault that I chose to eat large portions and stop my exercise program. I also didn’t assert my needs for healthier fare. He liked the healthier meals I cooked, but it wasn’t until much later that those habits rubbed off on his cooking. I can’t say he didn’t enable me, but I cannot in good conscious blame him or play the victim, either.

He became less attracted to me as a result of my weight gain. Other issues came to play in our relationship as well. One of the major things is that we just didn’t communicate. We’d fight, and then do something band-aid the problem instead of really working on a solution. He didn’t tell me his problems with my weight until a couple of weeks before we broke up. At that time, I didn’t really realize how much weight I’d gained. Sure, my bras had gotten super tight and I couldn’t zip up my pants from 2 years ago, but my denial was intense. I reacted with defense instead of realizing that he was right about that one thing. There are a whole host of issues that led to our breakup, but I can’t say that my weight and his resulting lack of attraction wasn’t one of them. He has since said that he had realized he was enabling me, because now he has a better understanding of how the human body works, and knows that there was no way I could regularly have eaten his cooking without gaining some weight. He also admitted since he wasn’t exactly healthy himself at the time (smoked cigs, ate crappy food, etc) he felt like a hypocrite for bringing it up at all, which is why he held out for so long in telling me how he felt about it. He had vices and faults, but mine showed up in the form of fat, while his remained hidden.

We were broken up but remained friends for about 2 years, and now we’re living together again, as roommates. Hey, we make a good team and we’re good at living together without all that romantic crap. We’re just two people who were better destined to be friends in the long run. I actually feel much closer to him now than when we were an “item.” Go figure!

So the last year + of my life I’ve been working on losing in a healthy and moderate way with no diet pills or anything that I refer to as cheating. It’s all being done the “hard way.” I’ve had ups and downs, temptations I should have resisted but didn’t, and other challenges along the way (namely other people trying to get in my way), but I’ve still managed to lose a huge chunk of fat (46 lbs as of today). I feel gross if I don’t get enough exercise or eat too much/the wrong stuff. I love the feeling of being able to fit into smaller things, having more endurance for physical activity, and having less pain. I turn 26 this January 1st (yeah, I know, New Year’s baby). I’ll be able to really, truly enjoy the last part of my 20’s instead of feeling 10 years older than I am! 🙂

I think there is some part of every fat person, though, who chooses to hang on to the weight. Every “cheat” aside from planned indulgences, every skipped workout aside from being very sick, etc. is a little bit of the fat self wanting to stick around. Why? Because in certain ways it is easier to be fat. In our society, it feels like people expect a little less of fat people. Also, fat can help isolate a person. Less people come up and initiate conversations with a fat person, so if you’re very shy, fat can be a handy shield. Being fat gives a person a handy scapegoat to ignore other issues they may have.

I’m very short (five feet tall exactly), so even a little fat gain looks like painfully a lot on me. When I tell people how much weight I’ve lost, they always insist that I’ve lost more. Probably because in proportion to a taller person, it looks like I have. But, I am always honest about my weight.

Losing weight is only one part of my total goal of self improvement. I’ve just recently started seeing a therapist, and she’s been a great help. I enjoy her blunt honesty and she has a sense of humor, which is very important since a lot of how I cope with things is through humor. She sympathizes to a point, but she never coddles me or tells me I’m a victim. She has helped me make great strides in how I think even just over the last month. I’ve done food journaling in the past on and off, but sometimes I let it get away, forgetting to write everything I eat down because I get busy and it’s kind of inconvenient to stop what I’m doing to write down my food. BUT, anything worth doing is worth doing right, and a food journal keeps me from overeating when I’m forced to remember what I’ve eaten through the day (it can be easy to lose track). So, I’m back to full-time food journaling at her encouragement.

As far as my life outside of fitness and weight loss goes, I am a walking databank of music trivia. I sing, play viola, and can do pretty well on a Djembe drum as well. I like to dance, and I’m interested in learning martial arts. I love anything outdoorsy: camping, hiking, rock climbing, etc. I LOVE to cook, and I have a passion for health foods. I have made culinary miracles happen with health food. I love to draw, paint, and make jewelry as well. All that being said, fitness is one of my many passions, and it’s one I’ve only discovered in the past 2 years. I was never an athletic kid, but now that I’m an adult and can have more freedom in choosing my own activities (instead of having a gym teacher scream at me), I find it rather enjoyable and fulfilling. It’s great stress relief to exercise. I also love to read. I tend to really appreciate the more eccentric fiction writers, and I also like reading educational books about a lot of subjects I find fascinating.

My career goal is to obtain a degree in kinesiology and exercise science and to apply that knowledge towards becoming a certified fitness instructor.

OK, enough of the bio stuff. You all know about me now! My next post will highlight what you may expect from this blog, and what you can definitely count on NOT being included. Ciao!

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